If you’ve never had a disagreement with your boss, count yourself extremely fortunate. For the rest of us, though, disagreements are commonplace in the work environment. Each party has differing points of view, of course, and different personalities (which sometimes clash). Complicating those facts of life, however, is the inescapable conflict of interest - while your supervisory undoubtedly wants a happy workforce, the employer’s goals are often diametrically opposed to those of the employees as individuals.

What to do? First, breathe - then read on and put these nine tips (plus a bonus!) into action:

1. Don’t get angry. Sometimes it might seem that this is asking the impossible - nothing gets us riled faster than being treated unfairly by our boss or coworkers. But getting angry - and communicating out of anger - will be a dead end, guaranteed.
2. If you can’t remove the anger from your voice, remove yourself from the room. Take a break. Say something like “I need a moment before we continue. Let’s talk about this in ten minutes” or “Perhaps we should continue this another time - if you’ll excuse me for a bit” or even “I need to think about this a minute.” Then get out of the room. Take a fast walk. Meditate. Do some jumping jacks. Whatever it takes to get the toxic anger under control, do it (within reason, and within the bounds of acceptable workplace behavior), and then return to the conversation.
3. Know your outcome. What’s your ideal resolution? You need to know this with specificity before you go into a negotiation discussion with your employer.
4. Follow the rules. If your workplace has adopted a chain of command for grievances or worker complaints, follow it religiously. The last thing you need is to be dismissed at some higher level because you didn’t talk to the mid-level manager as the policy required.
5. Put it in writing. But don’t overdo it. We all have a tendency, when we’re in the throes of righteous anger, to write in a flowery, verbose, and highly offended style. Go ahead and write that first draft that way, if it makes you feel better. But then take a break, come back to it, and edit the heck out of that thing. Make it business-like, professional, succinct, and rational. Keep your emotions in check and don’t dwell on hurt feelings or other emotional byproducts of work conflicts.
6. Similarly, don’t paper the place with memos. Use your common sense. Write one complaint or document, then address it to the people who need to see it - and no one else.
7. Remember the kindergarten rules: treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Take the high road, no matter how hard it might seem. Go in to a meeting with Human Resources expecting them to be on the same page as you - desiring a quick, fair resolution. Don’t go in with the attitude of expecting a battle, because 9 times out of 10 (if not 10 out of 10) they’ll be only too happy to oblige you. This means checking the sarcasm and defensiveness at the door.
8. Be prepared. Be able to cite chapter and verse of your policy manual if an infraction is taking place. Have statistics, if relevant, and provide copies of supporting documentation. Know the facts - the dates, the times, the positions, the names - behind all contested allegations.
9. If at any time, you’re not clear about the status of your complaint at the end of a meeting, ask - and then confirm in writing. You’d be surprised how many times I hear “I thought it was all settled but then to my surprise, three weeks later, they said they’d concluded the incident never took place!” or something like it. Make sure you know where you stand before you adjourn.
10. Bonus tip: think things through before you press your case. Ask yourself: am I prepared to take this up the chain of command and outside of it, to the appropriate forum (be it court, the EEOC, or any other agency), if need be? Think long and hard about this one. If you balk at the thought of talking to the head boss about this problem, then that might be a clue that the issue really isn’t that important. It might be in your best interests to let it go. As every parent of a young child knows all too well, you have to pick your battles wisely! It’s true in child rearing, and every bit as true in the workplace.